A few weeks ago, my husband, Jamie, and I went to see a Queen tribute band. Midway through the show, they sang “Under Pressure” – one of my all-time favorite songs. I love the song and the beat, but I also love that it came out of an impromptu jam session with another favorite musician of mine – David Bowie.

As I listened to the familiar lyrics, I couldn’t help but think about how aptly this song describes how the social sector feels right now. There’s no doubt nonprofit leaders are collectively “under pressure.” [If you’re feeling this today, I encourage you to take a “stress reset break” and watch Queen’s and David Bowie’s video. I promise you will feel some relief!]

That’s why Part 2 of our EQ series is all about Self-Regulation – the second core element of EQ, following Self-Awareness. As we shared in Part 1, our goal is to show how each EQ skill can be woven into your nonprofit’s culture in simple, affordable and meaningful ways.

Strong self-regulation helps you manage your emotions in healthy ways, adapt to changing circumstances, and respond intentionally instead of impulsively. For leaders, it’s the difference between reacting in the moment and responding in a way that reflects your values, your character and the mission you serve. And here’s the magical part: when leaders regulate themselves well, they regulate the culture by example.

Part 2: Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is your emotional “pause button” – the ability to choose your response instead of reacting based on emotion. It allows you to step back in the heat of the moment, assess the situation, and respond in a way that aligns with your values and long-term goals. For nonprofit leaders juggling competing priorities, donor expectations and community needs, it can mean the difference between burning out and leading with calm and clarity. Plus, the stronger your self-awareness, the easier it is to self-regulate — because you can recognize your triggers and patterns before they take the driver’s seat.

Definition: What Is Self-Regulation?

Researchers define self-regulation as the ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage emotions in healthy ways and adapt to changing circumstances. How you self-regulate is shaped by four key factors: your self-talk, your mindset, your character and your ethics. In the nonprofit world — where the pace is fast and the stakes are high — those four pillars are tested daily. It answers the question:

“How do I act under pressure?”

It includes:

• Staying calm under pressure
• Managing emotional triggers successfully
• Adapting to change with flexibility
• Balancing logic with empathy in decision-making
• Maintaining professionalism, even when frustrated

It’s not about suppressing emotions – it’s about channeling them productively so you can stay grounded and effective. When I do trainings on this topic, I introduce the idea of being an emotion scientist versus an emotion judge. The scientist gets curious (“Why am I feeling this way?”), looks for data and considers options. The judge reacts quickly, labels emotions as “good” or “bad,” and often jumps to conclusions. Self-regulation means putting on the scientist’s hat—not just for yourself, but in how you interpret and respond to others as well.

Myths vs. Realities

Myth: Self-regulation means never showing emotion.
Reality: Healthy leaders express emotion appropriately — it’s about controlling intensity, not becoming robotic.

Myth: Self-regulation is about “stuffing” feelings down.
Reality: Bottling emotions can lead to burnout or blow-ups. Self-regulation is about processing and responding intentionally.

Myth: If I have willpower, I already have self-regulation.
Reality: Willpower is part of it, but self-regulation also involves emotional awareness, empathy and adaptability.

Myth: I’ll just avoid stressful situations.
Reality: In leadership, stress is inevitable. Self-regulation helps you navigate it without losing sight of your goals.

Tools for Building Self-Regulation (and Team Resilience!)

Here are four low-cost, high-impact activities you can try with your team:

1. The Pause Practice

The “power of the pause” is my favorite self-regulation muscle to build. Before responding to a heated email or comment, take a beat. Count to five, take a deep breath or ask a clarifying question. Encourage your team to make “pause before response” a shared habit. You can even ask yourself guided questions, such as “Am I being defensive? Why?” or “What do I need now?”

2. Role Playing

In a retreat or meeting, present a realistic work challenge and ask team members how they’d respond. Then, swap answers with a partner and discuss alternative approaches. This builds empathy, adaptability and problem-solving skills.

3. The Stress Reset

Have team members share one quick self-care strategy they use to reset when stressed – a short walk, music, reframing a thought. Compile these into a “Team Stress Toolkit” everyone can use. Not only is it a great source of practical ideas, but it also normalizes that stress happens – and can be managed. It also helps others know how that individual deals with stress and how to support their approach.

4. The Nice vs. Kind Matrix

Self-regulation does not mean being “nice” all the time. We don’t want to create a façade. In a past post, I’ve shared how nonprofit employees tend to be “nice” (avoiding discomfort) instead of “kind” (addressing issues directly with care). Self-regulation helps us move into “kind” territory – balancing truth with empathy – especially in feedback conversations.

Techniques for Leaders

Here are three simple techniques I use myself and share in coaching and staff development that help leaders strengthen self-regulation:

1. Name It to Tame It

When emotions run high, simply naming what you’re feeling (“I’m frustrated” or “I’m anxious”) can reduce its intensity and help you choose your next step more thoughtfully. One of our most popular slides in strategy or change management training connects the dots between the emotion (e.g., anxiety) and the missing element in a change strategy. Often, people can name the emotion faster than they can identify the underlying need – such as additional skills and training, clearer communication or renewed motivation. Once that need is uncovered, the path forward as a leader becomes much clearer.

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2. The 90-Second Rule

Neuroscience shows that most emotional reactions last about 90 seconds – unless we keep fueling them with additional thoughts. When triggered, give yourself that brief window to let the physical wave pass before deciding how to respond. At the end of that 90 seconds, if I still don’t have a purposeful, constructive reaction, I give myself more time. One simple phrase I use is: “What you shared is important. Let me carefully consider it and circle back with you later.” This signals respect for the other person’s input while buying the space you need to process and respond thoughtfully – rather than react impulsively.

3. Bring Play into the Workplace

One of my favorite ways to combat pressure is to infuse moments of levity into the day. Share a funny meme on your internal chat, kick off a staff meeting with a short, uplifting video, or keep a “laugh folder” of team photos and inside jokes. Play isn’t frivolous – it’s a proven stress reducer and connection-builder.

Join the Conversation

We’d love to hear how you practice self-regulation – personally or with your team. What strategies have helped you stay grounded under pressure? Share your ideas in the comments or send us a note – we’re always learning, too.

And since we started this post with Queen, let’s end with them too. In “Under Pressure,” there’s a lyric that’s both a reminder and a challenge for leaders:

“Love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves.”

When we regulate ourselves well, we not only take better care of our own well-being—we set the tone for how our teams care for each other.

Next up in the series: Part 3: Social Awareness – how to better read the room, tune into your team and foster deeper connections across your nonprofit.

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